I was almost out the door

It seems aria is going through a phase, a mamas girl phase. And the funny thing is I feel like I’m going through the same phase with her. I really, really had a hard time leaving her at day care today. The lady picked her up and are you just started crying and crying. 

I was almost out the door. But I turned back. 

Not sure if that’s bad or good for my daughter, and I wonder if I needed to hold her as much as she wanted to be held. 

I scooped her up and held her for a really long time. Long enough for her to start looking around the room at the toys and obstacles. You could tell she wanted to play, but knew that when she did she would have to leave my arms. One of the older boys came and tugged on her sock. She and I both had mixed feelings. I felt the pull to go to work. Aria felt the pull to go on an adventure. 

Then Miss Julie suggested a wagon ride! I handed Aria away. 

Ah the potent mixed feelings of motherhood! 

I love my job and I love my daughter. 

I started a new job 5 or 6 months ago now. I love it. I’m directing the academic program work for a charter school network down in the city. The kids are there because their parents wanted something more for their children amongst a sea of obstacles all around them. I’ve been in all the schools down in this area and I feel a part of something so important and so complicated. I’ve watched a lot of people walk away from this work down here.  For many who leave it is because they don’t feel like they have the support they need to give these kids what they need. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s giving educators the support they need.

So today instead of being the one taking my daughter on a wagon ride, I’m narrating a blog post to Siri while pumping in the car on my hour-long commute to the city. 

In the morning I’ll be developing a set of Rigorous math lessons and problems designed to push the thinking and math logic of some of our stronger students. Then I will meet with the team but is hammering through a strategic plan for literacy to amp up the engagement and the level of questioning occurring in our reading classrooms. I’ll meet to prepare a development program for principals to help them become better leaders of their coaching programs and better leaders of literacy. They will be capped off with a step back meeting on our coaching program and how we will make the next steps in growing the effectiveness of our dedicated teaching staff.  

I really love my job. I feel empowered as a person and as a woman to make a difference. I feel like I get to use a sweet set of skills in data, project management, and people leadership.

I hope aria does even more. Way more. I hope she dreams big. Maybe she’ll run for president and I can do the analytics on her campaign data!

And even with all that, I put my head on my steering wheel and cried after I left daycare. Do you think I can go back and take Aria into work with me??? I was thinking about that tomorrow, but apparently they have a big Thanksgiving celebration with lots of art projects planned. Apparently Aria is a big fan of feathers. 

It feels complicated, but it probably really isn’t. It’s a good problem to have, when the hard choices are between going a little later into work at a job you love, to hold a little girl you love even more, just before you release her into the arms of an awesome teacher, to go on a wagon ride and do art projects I would never think to do with a nine month old!



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