Headquarters: The baby is crawling in bed and making noises. Repeat. The baby is awake. Are you in position? Please respond.
Baby Special Ops: Awake and pumping into a bottle.
Headquarters: Your mission, if you choose to accept it — Return the baby to her prior state of happy slumber before the sunrises.
Special Ops: Mission accepted
Headquarters: Retrieve the target
Headquarters: Check for use of chemical weapons while the target was sleeping
Special Ops: Message to headquarters. Use of low grade urine verified. Edit
Headquarters: Initiate cleanup and begin feeding.
Special Ops: Message to headquarters. The locals are reporting movement in the south. Possible use of additional chemical weapons in one of the newer villages suspected.
Headquarters: Cease feeding and conduct an investigation.
Special Ops: Suspicions verified. Initiating emergency diaper change.
Headquarters: Resume feeding upon completion. Reports of hunger cries on the horizon.
Special Ops: Moisture verified outside target zone. Request permission to launch operation “Clean Onesie.”
Headquarters: Proceed with caution. Avoid chemical exposure to new onesie.
Special Ops: Onesie changed. Team has resumed feeding.
Special Ops: Message to headquarters. Heavy firing coming from all sides. Sounds of bubbling and squeezing and mild farting reported. Situation appears precarious. Authorization to send in a team?
Mission Control: Authorization granted.
Mission Control: Urgent. Supplies are low. No additional sleeper outfits available. Avoid exposure of clean outfit.
Special Ops: Roger that. Slipping clean diaper in while simultaneously removing dirty one.
Special Ops: URGENT MESSAGE. New explosions coming in. New diaper has been contaminated! Repeat new diaper is contaminated!
Mission Control: Hold your position!
Special Ops: URGENT MESSAGE. My god! She’s peeing now!! Request permission to evacuate.
Mission Control: Hold your position! Protect the sleeper outfit!
Special Ops: Debris is piling up. I’m not sure if we’re going to make it out of here!
Headquarters: Hold it together!
Special Ops: Message to headquarters. Operation successful. Diaper changed without exposure to clean onesie. Resuming feeding.
Special Ops: Mission to headquarters. Bottle is drained. Baby requesting addition fluids.
Headquarters: Permission granted. Move the target back to bassinet for final feeding.
Special Ops: Target had been returned to sleeping zone. Initiating final phase.
Special Ops: Message to headquarters (3:56am). Mission accomplished.
Headquarters: Well done soldier. Return to bed. I’ll be putting in paperwork for a broze star for this one!