I literally just went through 4 diapers in 20 minutes

Headquarters: The baby is crawling in bed and making noises. Repeat. The baby is awake. Are you in position? Please respond. 

Baby Special Ops: Awake and pumping into a bottle. 

Headquarters: Your mission, if you choose to accept it — Return the baby to her prior state of happy slumber before the sunrises. 

Special Ops: Mission accepted

Headquarters: Retrieve the target


Headquarters: Check for use of chemical weapons while the target was sleeping

Special Ops: Message to headquarters. Use of low grade urine verified.  Edit 

  Headquarters: Initiate cleanup and begin feeding.  


Special Ops: Message to headquarters. The locals are reporting movement in the south. Possible use of additional chemical weapons in one of the newer villages suspected. 

Headquarters: Cease feeding and conduct an investigation. 

Special Ops: Suspicions verified. Initiating emergency diaper change. 

Headquarters: Resume feeding upon completion. Reports of hunger cries on the horizon. 

Special Ops: Moisture verified outside target zone. Request permission to launch operation “Clean Onesie.”

Headquarters: Proceed with caution. Avoid chemical exposure to new onesie. 

 Special Ops:  Onesie changed. Team has resumed feeding. 

Special Ops: Message to headquarters. Heavy firing coming from all sides. Sounds of bubbling and squeezing and mild farting reported. Situation appears precarious. Authorization to send in a team?


Mission Control: Authorization granted. 

Mission Control: Urgent. Supplies are low. No additional sleeper outfits available. Avoid exposure of clean outfit. 

Special Ops: Roger that. Slipping clean diaper in while simultaneously removing dirty one. 

Special Ops: URGENT MESSAGE. New explosions coming in. New diaper has been contaminated! Repeat new diaper is contaminated!  


Mission Control: Hold your position!

Special Ops: URGENT MESSAGE. My god! She’s peeing now!! Request permission to evacuate. 

Mission Control: Hold your position! Protect the sleeper outfit!

Special Ops: Debris is piling up. I’m not sure if we’re going to make it out of here! 


Headquarters: Hold it together!

Special Ops: Message to headquarters. Operation successful. Diaper changed without exposure to clean onesie. Resuming feeding. 

Special Ops: Mission to headquarters. Bottle is drained. Baby requesting addition fluids. 

Headquarters: Permission granted. Move the target back to bassinet for final feeding. 

Special Ops: Target had been returned to sleeping zone. Initiating final phase.  


Special Ops: Message to headquarters (3:56am). Mission accomplished. 


Headquarters: Well done soldier. Return to bed. I’ll be putting in paperwork for a broze star for this one!


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